Most days, I walk out of my office proud, energized by the integrity, courage, and human-centered leadership my clients demonstrate. But then… there are days that leave me shaking my head, frustrated and frankly stunned.
One of those days happened not too long ago.
One client had been humiliated by his new manager on a call—with peers and external vendors present. Yes, he had made a mistake, but it was a process issue. No harm done, no deliverables lost. It was fixable. Yet his manager chose a public scolding over a private, constructive conversation. We reviewed the recording together—as part of his coaching we observe these calls—and there it was: bullying, plain and simple. No exaggeration. No room for interpretation.
Another client had just weathered their third boss in 18 months, with each one bringing a new strategy and dismantling the last. They were told, “What exactly are you even doing?”, not as a curious question, but as an indictment. No clarity. No support. No direction. But plenty of blame.
And then there was the team leader whose division head, invited to a kickoff to motivate a new initiative, chose instead to threaten: “If you don’t hit this goal, you won’t be here next quarter.” Yes, goals matter. Yes, accountability matters. But fear-based leadership doesn’t create commitment, rather it breeds compliance, silence, and burnout.
In each coaching session, we refocused on what my client could control: setting boundaries, clarifying expectations, and staying aligned to their values. But I couldn’t stop wondering…
What is going on with these managers?
In each of these cases, fear appeared to be the common denominator. Fear of looking weak. Fear of irrelevance. Fear of not being in control.
When leaders lead from fear, especially unacknowledged fear, they often default to control, blame, and aggression. But here’s the truth: fear is human. What we do with it is the difference between a reactive manager and a conscious leader.
A conscious leader asks, even in moments of stress: “Who do I need to be right now?”
That question shifts everything. It invites presence, perspective, and accountability. It opens the door to emotional regulation and strategic response, even when triggered.
Because here’s the thing: I don’t believe most people intend to be bad managers. But if they don’t do the work to notice their fear and interrupt its impact, they will become one.
And at some point, that stops being accidental.
Leadership isn’t just about what you achieve. It’s about the impact you create. If you’re in a leadership role, you have an obligation to manage your own behavior, or to seek out the support you need to learn how.
To the leaders doing that work, those showing up with courage, humility, and care, thank you. Your impact is bigger than you know. Your leadership doesn’t just move the needle on business goals. It transforms teams, careers, and lives.
Questions to take with you this week:
- What fear might be underneath my reaction?
- Who do I need to be right now?
If you’re in a position to influence or develop leaders, bring these questions into your conversations. Leadership maturity isn’t optional anymore. It’s a necessity.
Let’s not settle for fear-based management. We can do better. We must do better.